As I was explaining to a friend recently, I seem to have a lot of time on my hands now that I stopped lighting up. when I did smoke, I was smoking, not thinking or worrying or multi-tasking in any way, just smoking.
I am happy to report that the urges are all but gone. Drinking isn't as enjoyable as it used to be although i still managed to empty a bottle of Romonov and DSP black (with some help from Vik, Srikanth a.k.a MB, Anu, kunal).
I do however have strong urges for one more puff. When someone lights up near me, it takes every inch of will power I posses to not smoke.
It'll pass, or so I hope, but it got me thinking. Why did i smoke ?
Many people have asked me this, and I had answers straight away.
I smoke because I like to smoke.
WRONG. In all honesty, maybe the first 3 or 4 cigarettes of the day gave me some pleasure. But every other cigarette atleast after the first four puffs were pure agony. I wouldn't want to throw it away because I paid 5 rs for one and I wouldn't feel like smoking it either. I would in the end suck it up (pun intended) and finish the ciggy as i affectionately called it.
another reason I would give myself and anyone else who asked was
what is the point of living till 60 ? loose your mind and bladder control ? no thanks.
I smoke coz I intentionally want to kill myself. WRONG.....
about 2 or 3 months back, I was falling sick, A lot.
One month I got a cold, it took me a week to recover. had 2-3 good days, and caught a cold again. this happened four times. What was worse, I was smoking whilst I had my cold. I fell sick 4 weeks in a row in one month.
Smoking Fucks you up. I knew that, Smoking fucks your lungs, I knew that.
Yet when I fell sick, that often, I was bloody pissed. Had I been this rational then, I would have realised, that if I put toxins in my body, regularly, Things were bound to .... Say it with me ....
" FUCK UP"
although I still think dementia and loss of bladder control will suck, I didn't like it when I got sick. Its terrible. The worst.
I know I may come of as smug, specially for those of you who know me. But If I can do it, So can You.